WASHINGTON - Today, senior Republican strategist and former Congressman Bill Harkins of West Virginia admitted that, for decades, his party has been a cult hell-bent on seeing the end of the world, in an exclusive interview with reporters.
“Every action that my party has done since the Cold War has, in fact, been to see the end-times,” Harkins said, while lighting many candles around his desk. “I’m personally surprised that no one had figured this out before I told you.”
Since the 1950s, Harkins went on to explain, the GOP believed the end of the world was around the corner, and everyone on Earth should embrace the final days.
“But unlike those crackpots that just assumed it would end on a given day, many Republicans thought, ‘Why don’t we make sure it happens?’” Harkins said as he took off his tie and replaced it with a black hood.
When asked why, Harkins replied: “We all seek the eternal nothingness of death and blackness. And not having to listen to Bernie Sanders anymore.”
Every law, Executive Order and proposal by a Republican President and Congress since this revelation has been focused on enacting this wide ranging goal.
“When Eisenhower first received the message and told the GOP in a secret meeting in the hollowed out room behind Lincoln’s head at Mount Rushmore in 1957, we were all certain that it would be a nuclear war with the USSR that would end us all,” Harkins said. “But the fact that JFK was in office when the Cuban Missile Crisis happened meant that the world wouldn’t end in 1962, unfortunately.”
Republican plans to end the world in 1983 with a Soviet over-reaction to “Able Archer 83”, a NATO simulation of a first strike on Russia once again failed, though came close due to a fluke in the Russian satellite system, but it was recognized as a glitch in time.
While Reagan, who Harkins said preferred to be called “The Chosen Warrior,” by other members of the Cult, would sign the first agreements with the USSR to reduce nuclear weapons, Republicans knew the cuts wouldn’t be enough to still allow them to destroy the world ten times over.
But in the 1970s, following the divine wisdom of an evil god that the Republicans call “The Free Hand,” they began to branch out.
“If it wasn’t going to be a nuclear war, then it was going to be a social, environmental or economic collapse of the world,” Harkins said, as he prepared to sacrifice a virgin. “Nixon got close, with the whole Watergate thing, but he chickened out at the last moment. He was soon after banished, and consigned to living in hell: California.”
Many GOP actions since then, such as deregulating the economy, allowing guns to be sold without background checks, invading Iraq in 1991 and 2003, ignoring all the evidence on climate change and science to keep drilling oil, disenfranchising minority voters, the War on Drugs, the War on Terror, the 2008 Great Recession, and the time that George W. Bush nearly choked on a pretzel was all designed to bring about the world.
“Unfortunately the big red button wasn’t close enough for President Bush to hit while he was flailing around choking,” said Harkins, who is also known as“The Dark One” in the cult. “And Plan B was foiled when the Secret Service saved him. We were all certain Dick Cheney would have accomplished the goal of world wide Armageddon with efficiency and all speed.”
After the election of Obama, Harkins admits, the cult was at its lowest ebb. “All the ‘Hope’ and ‘Change’, we were certain, as well as his push for renewable energy, restricting gun ownership, and this thing called ‘compromise’ would destroy the Republican Party, and end our goals to end the world.”
But when Obamacare was announced, the GOP felt rejuvenated.
“We had a goal: prevent healthcare for all Americans, so that when the genetically altered plague does hit, we would all die anyway.”
The election of Donald Trump as President, and all the fabrications of Russia hacking the election, Trump’s outlandish statements, selecting people unqualified for cabinet posts, and the rigging of the election to prevent Hillary from winning, was all part of the Cult’s plan to bring upon the end of world as mentioned in their unholy, cursed book that will drive normal men mad.
“Very soon, the world will end in fire and brimstone,” Harkins said, while other cult members began to chant a mysterious, dark ritual in a language that no human was ever meant to speak. “And there will be no more taxes, no more socialist’s, no more anything!”
Harkins ended the interview to prepare the Kool-Aid for the cult members as they prepared to summon a planet devouring beast from the deepest reaches of space.
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