Multiversal News: Paul Ryan Retreats to Supervillain Hideout, Vows “You Haven’t Seen the Last of Me!”

WASHINGTON: In the face of the withdrawal of the signature Republican plan to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act, otherwise known as "Obamacare," House Speaker Paul Ryan, growling as he climbed into the spherical pod that emerged from the wall behind the Speaker’s podium, turned back to the Democrats, moderate Republicans, and others that refused to vote in favor of the American Health Care Act celebrating on the house floor.

“I’ll be back! You will see! And with a better, more conservative bill!” he shouted to the assembled crowd, before locking himself into the capsule, pushing the ignition button, and launching himself out of the House Chamber and through the roof of the Capitol Building.

NORAD confirms that a small object is currently in orbit, and seems to be making a course to a secret GOP space station outside of Earth’s atmosphere. It’s guessed that this is where the Speaker will recover from the humiliating defeat and plot his next move.

“Tax reform, yes,” Ryan was reported to have said moments after arriving. “I will make the best, most extensive effort on overhauling the tax code in history!” The Speaker was then reported to have spent ten minutes practicing his evil laugh as the GOP slave robots compiled a new bill to reduce taxes on the rich to -9% of their income.

Multiversal News: Trump Reveals Wiretap Source: Strange Otherworld Mirror Into Another Universe

MAR-A-LAGO - President Donald J. Trump today revealed the basis for his otherwise unsubstantiated tweets and comments that former President Barack Obama had wiretapped Trump Tower during the US election: a large, strange-looking golden mirror that lets the viewer see into another timeline. It was a mysterious object that Trump had purchased at a flea market in Morocco in 1984, and kept secret until now.

“The Obama of that alternate universe was a terrifying, brutal, repressive dictator,” Trump explained, waving his hand at the mirror. “It’s creepy, really creepy to look at. I get nightmares whenever I look at it. It’s all scary!”

Trump further went on to explain that in the timeline, Obama had overthrown cyborg President Ronald Reagan in 2004, and despite his promises of increasing rations and ending the Forever War with the Zombie Kingdom of Europe, instead turned into a merciless tyrant, implanting listening devices into every room of every home in the American Empire, which he used to oversee all the thoughts of every citizen.

“Then these people, bad people, from the Environmental Protection Agency, the most feared secret police of this terrifying America, would come and take those that so much muttered a bad thing about President for Life Obama,” Trump went on. “It was horrifying to see the brutal prison camps set up in Occupied Wyoming.

“It’s terrifying, really, to look at. It’s a warning to us today, and I will listen to it!”

While Trump has been told time and again by wizards and occultists that investigated the mirror that it’s not representative of the real world, and, if anything, Trump’s three decade long fascination with the object may have started to warp his mind into blending the real world and the terrifying totalitarian state that the mirror glimpses into. But despite attempts by exorcists and priests with holy water to help the President, the images remain implanted on his mind.

“He’s totally a Kenyan that subverted the great American Nation and is trying to destroy us all!” Trump garbled as he stared into the mirror. “Gotta go and save America!”

At press time, Trump has been talking with advisor Steve Bannon on how to liberate the millions of people living in the areas of Texas that had been occupied by the insidious Mexican-Aztec Death State.

Multiversal News: Republican strategist admits: GOP is an apocalypse cult

WASHINGTON - Today, senior Republican strategist and former Congressman Bill Harkins of West Virginia admitted that, for decades, his party has been a cult hell-bent on seeing the end of the world, in an exclusive interview with reporters.

“Every action that my party has done since the Cold War has, in fact, been to see the end-times,” Harkins said, while lighting many candles around his desk. “I’m personally surprised that no one had figured this out before I told you.”

Since the 1950s, Harkins went on to explain, the GOP believed the end of the world was around the corner, and everyone on Earth should embrace the final days.

“But unlike those crackpots that just assumed it would end on a given day, many Republicans thought, ‘Why don’t we make sure it happens?’” Harkins said as he took off his tie and replaced it with a black hood.

When asked why, Harkins replied: “We all seek the eternal nothingness of death and blackness. And not having to listen to Bernie Sanders anymore.”

Every law, Executive Order and proposal by a Republican President and Congress since this revelation has been focused on enacting this wide ranging goal.

“When Eisenhower first received the message and told the GOP in a secret meeting in the hollowed out room behind Lincoln’s head at Mount Rushmore in 1957, we were all certain that it would be a nuclear war with the USSR that would end us all,” Harkins said. “But the fact that JFK was in office when the Cuban Missile Crisis happened meant that the world wouldn’t end in 1962, unfortunately.”

Republican plans to end the world in 1983 with a Soviet over-reaction to “Able Archer 83”, a NATO simulation of a first strike on Russia once again failed, though came close due to a fluke in the Russian satellite system, but it was recognized as a glitch in time.

While Reagan, who Harkins said preferred to be called “The Chosen Warrior,” by other members of the Cult, would sign the first agreements with the USSR to reduce nuclear weapons, Republicans knew the cuts wouldn’t be enough to still allow them to destroy the world ten times over.

But in the 1970s, following the divine wisdom of an evil god that the Republicans call “The Free Hand,” they began to branch out.

“If it wasn’t going to be a nuclear war, then it was going to be a social, environmental or economic collapse of the world,” Harkins said, as he prepared to sacrifice a virgin. “Nixon got close, with the whole Watergate thing, but he chickened out at the last moment. He was soon after banished, and consigned to living in hell: California.”

Many GOP actions since then, such as deregulating the economy, allowing guns to be sold without background checks, invading Iraq in 1991 and 2003, ignoring all the evidence on climate change and science to keep drilling oil, disenfranchising minority voters, the War on Drugs, the War on Terror, the 2008 Great Recession, and the time that George W. Bush nearly choked on a pretzel was all designed to bring about the world.

“Unfortunately the big red button wasn’t close enough for President Bush to hit while he was flailing around choking,” said Harkins, who is also known as“The Dark One” in the cult. “And Plan B was foiled when the Secret Service saved him. We were all certain Dick Cheney would have accomplished the goal of world wide Armageddon with efficiency and all speed.”

After the election of Obama, Harkins admits, the cult was at its lowest ebb. “All the ‘Hope’ and ‘Change’, we were certain, as well as his push for renewable energy, restricting gun ownership, and this thing called ‘compromise’ would destroy the Republican Party, and end our goals to end the world.”

But when Obamacare was announced, the GOP felt rejuvenated.

“We had a goal: prevent healthcare for all Americans, so that when the genetically altered plague does hit, we would all die anyway.”

The election of Donald Trump as President, and all the fabrications of Russia hacking the election, Trump’s outlandish statements, selecting people unqualified for cabinet posts, and the rigging of the election to prevent Hillary from winning, was all part of the Cult’s plan to bring upon the end of world as mentioned in their unholy, cursed book that will drive normal men mad.

“Very soon, the world will end in fire and brimstone,” Harkins said, while other cult members began to chant a mysterious, dark ritual in a language that no human was ever meant to speak. “And there will be no more taxes, no more socialist’s, no more anything!”

Harkins ended the interview to prepare the Kool-Aid for the cult members as they prepared to summon a planet devouring beast from the deepest reaches of space.

Multiversal News: Liberal Backbenchers Vote Against PM, Cabinet to Turn Canada into a Hivemind

Liberal Backbenchers vote against PM, Cabinet to turn Canada into a Hivemind

Members of the Liberal Party moments before they voted in
favor to make all Canadians part of a collective Hivemind.

OTTAWA - In a surprising show of independence, Liberal backbench MPs voted in favor of a private member’s bill to turn all Canadians into a gigantic hivemind, despite the opposition from Prime Minister Trudeau and his cabinet. Bill S-190, proposed by New Democrat NDP Joshua Halford, MP for BC’s North Okanagan—East Kootenay riding, would mandate that all Canadian citizens would receive microchips implanted into their brains to allow all Canadians instant communication with each other, computational knowledge to solve the nation’s issues, as well as access to everyone else’s memories, knowledge, and figuring out where the hell we left the keys for the van.

“Since this was an open vote, many Liberal backbenchers believed that S-190 would benefit all Canadians,” Mary Lemonut, Liberal MP for Toronto-Yorkdale, said. “While the PM made some convincing arguments, I think it would be really cool if all Canadians would think and speak as one.” As she spoke, other members of the Liberal Party also said the exact same words in a creepy monotone and with unblinking eyes to other reporters.

When the votes came down, 101 Liberal MPs voted in favor of the bill, as well as all 44 NDP members. Conservatives were split, with most of those that voted in favor of the bill running for the leadership of the party. Analysts believed this was in order for some of the 14 candidates to be able to put their vision of the future of the Conservative Party to as many people as possible. As of press time, however, all Canadians have agreed to erase any existence Kellie Leitch from the hivemind after they found out that she was basically trying to be a Canadian Donald Trump.

“This bill will solve all known problems currently facing all 36 million Canadians,” Swanson said, moments before being the first to step into the doctor’s office to receive an implant into the glorious new cyber-future of Canada. “Racism, misogyny, poverty, lack of education, bilingualism, and deciding if Kevin O’Leary really should be the leader of the Conservative Party are just some of the issues we can solve by being all unified in thought, mind, and spirit.”

“I do believe that this bill is unconstitutional,” Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said outside the House of Commons after the vote. “It interferes with the provincial right to determine what dystopian future our nation should take, as well as grave concerns over privacy and electronic security. But I remain committed to holding open votes in the Liberal caucus, and will abide by the results.” He was then lead away to prepare for the procedure, which, the PM was assured, would maintain his impeccable hairdo.

“This is all a trick! This will destroy all human autonomy, and turn all Canadians into mindless drones to an unknown overlord! And add billions more to the deficit! We are all doomed!” Conservative MP Tony Clement for Parry Sound–Muskoka screamed at reporters as he was being dragged away by impossibly strong, nearly robotic, glassy-eyed RCMP officer’s already implanted into the hivemind. Compliance agents are currently tracking down former Prime Minister Stephen Harper with the aid of of all 1,392,609 people in Calgary, who is currently on the run but will be assimilated in 5.4 hours.

Quebec has already said they will implement their own, French only hivemind program separate from the federal program. Manitoba Premier Brian Pallister is resisting the inevitable and refuses to submit until a healthcare deal with his province has been reached with the Federal Government. 

Multiversal News: America left reeling after Trump doesn’t tweet for twenty hours

America left reeling after Trump doesn’t tweet for twenty hours
WASHINGTON: Politicians, stock markets, and people around the nation were in a directionless quandary after President Donald J. Trump didn’t tweet for up to twenty hours. The usually punctual early morning tirade against something that was revealed on Breitbart or by FOX News, as well as tweets during high level meetings and briefings, have been a daily ritual followed by everyone since Trump announced his candidacy. But today’s lack of a tweet has thrown the US into chaos.

The last Tweet posted by Trump was yet another attack on Obamacare at about 1 PM yesterday, but then his account went mysteriously silent.

“I don’t know what to do,” Trump supporter Nate Berdin, 54, from Montgomery, Alabama said, fumbling with his phone. “Without the President’s daily Twitter barrage, I don’t know what group I should be angry at: immigrants, Muslims, Muslim immigrants.” He went on to say that because of that, he ended up being polite and nice to everyone he met.

“It’s very surreal,” Nate said, after smiling and giving a polite nod at an African-American man and his Latino wife.

On the other end of the political spectrum, Democratic and liberal activists were also left in utter disarray when the President’s Twitter account didn’t add anything new in half a day.

“No executive order to try to get shot down, no unsubstantiated claims to disprove. Not even a famous celebrity to rally around as they face the wrath of a Twitter tweet storm,” said San Francisco resident Amanda O’Toole, 26, a self-declared liberal activist wearing a “Not My President” t-shirt. “While Sean Spicer, Kellyanne Conway and every Republican member of Congress can, and still, make stupid, insulting, racist, discriminatory, and untruthful statements, it’s just not the same when it’s not Trump saying it."

Stock Markets around the world have been in wild swings today. When Trump’s twitter account revealed that he liked a picture of a kitten in the late morning, the NYSE went up, the NASDAQ plummeted, and the price of gold swung back and forth for fifteen minutes until it was discovered that the like had been removed.

But at 9:25 AM, after a long day without a tweet, activity on Trump’s account returned when he revealed he lost his phone.