WASHINGTON: In the face of the withdrawal of the signature Republican plan to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act, otherwise known as "Obamacare," House Speaker Paul Ryan, growling as he climbed into the spherical pod that emerged from the wall behind the Speaker’s podium, turned back to the Democrats, moderate Republicans, and others that refused to vote in favor of the American Health Care Act celebrating on the house floor.
“I’ll be back! You will see! And with a better, more conservative bill!” he shouted to the assembled crowd, before locking himself into the capsule, pushing the ignition button, and launching himself out of the House Chamber and through the roof of the Capitol Building.
NORAD confirms that a small object is currently in orbit, and seems to be making a course to a secret GOP space station outside of Earth’s atmosphere. It’s guessed that this is where the Speaker will recover from the humiliating defeat and plot his next move.
“Tax reform, yes,” Ryan was reported to have said moments after arriving. “I will make the best, most extensive effort on overhauling the tax code in history!” The Speaker was then reported to have spent ten minutes practicing his evil laugh as the GOP slave robots compiled a new bill to reduce taxes on the rich to -9% of their income.
Friday, March 24, 2017
Tuesday, March 21, 2017
Multiversal News: Trump Reveals Wiretap Source: Strange Otherworld Mirror Into Another Universe
“The Obama of that alternate universe was a terrifying, brutal, repressive dictator,” Trump explained, waving his hand at the mirror. “It’s creepy, really creepy to look at. I get nightmares whenever I look at it. It’s all scary!”
Trump further went on to explain that in the timeline, Obama had overthrown cyborg President Ronald Reagan in 2004, and despite his promises of increasing rations and ending the Forever War with the Zombie Kingdom of Europe, instead turned into a merciless tyrant, implanting listening devices into every room of every home in the American Empire, which he used to oversee all the thoughts of every citizen.
“Then these people, bad people, from the Environmental Protection Agency, the most feared secret police of this terrifying America, would come and take those that so much muttered a bad thing about President for Life Obama,” Trump went on. “It was horrifying to see the brutal prison camps set up in Occupied Wyoming.
“It’s terrifying, really, to look at. It’s a warning to us today, and I will listen to it!”
While Trump has been told time and again by wizards and occultists that investigated the mirror that it’s not representative of the real world, and, if anything, Trump’s three decade long fascination with the object may have started to warp his mind into blending the real world and the terrifying totalitarian state that the mirror glimpses into. But despite attempts by exorcists and priests with holy water to help the President, the images remain implanted on his mind.
“He’s totally a Kenyan that subverted the great American Nation and is trying to destroy us all!” Trump garbled as he stared into the mirror. “Gotta go and save America!”
At press time, Trump has been talking with advisor Steve Bannon on how to liberate the millions of people living in the areas of Texas that had been occupied by the insidious Mexican-Aztec Death State.
Monday, March 20, 2017
Multiversal News: Republican strategist admits: GOP is an apocalypse cult
WASHINGTON - Today, senior Republican strategist and former Congressman Bill Harkins of West Virginia admitted that, for decades, his party has been a cult hell-bent on seeing the end of the world, in an exclusive interview with reporters.
“Every action that my party has done since the Cold War has, in fact, been to see the end-times,” Harkins said, while lighting many candles around his desk. “I’m personally surprised that no one had figured this out before I told you.”
Since the 1950s, Harkins went on to explain, the GOP believed the end of the world was around the corner, and everyone on Earth should embrace the final days.
“But unlike those crackpots that just assumed it would end on a given day, many Republicans thought, ‘Why don’t we make sure it happens?’” Harkins said as he took off his tie and replaced it with a black hood.
When asked why, Harkins replied: “We all seek the eternal nothingness of death and blackness. And not having to listen to Bernie Sanders anymore.”
Every law, Executive Order and proposal by a Republican President and Congress since this revelation has been focused on enacting this wide ranging goal.
“When Eisenhower first received the message and told the GOP in a secret meeting in the hollowed out room behind Lincoln’s head at Mount Rushmore in 1957, we were all certain that it would be a nuclear war with the USSR that would end us all,” Harkins said. “But the fact that JFK was in office when the Cuban Missile Crisis happened meant that the world wouldn’t end in 1962, unfortunately.”
Republican plans to end the world in 1983 with a Soviet over-reaction to “Able Archer 83”, a NATO simulation of a first strike on Russia once again failed, though came close due to a fluke in the Russian satellite system, but it was recognized as a glitch in time.
While Reagan, who Harkins said preferred to be called “The Chosen Warrior,” by other members of the Cult, would sign the first agreements with the USSR to reduce nuclear weapons, Republicans knew the cuts wouldn’t be enough to still allow them to destroy the world ten times over.
But in the 1970s, following the divine wisdom of an evil god that the Republicans call “The Free Hand,” they began to branch out.
“If it wasn’t going to be a nuclear war, then it was going to be a social, environmental or economic collapse of the world,” Harkins said, as he prepared to sacrifice a virgin. “Nixon got close, with the whole Watergate thing, but he chickened out at the last moment. He was soon after banished, and consigned to living in hell: California.”
Many GOP actions since then, such as deregulating the economy, allowing guns to be sold without background checks, invading Iraq in 1991 and 2003, ignoring all the evidence on climate change and science to keep drilling oil, disenfranchising minority voters, the War on Drugs, the War on Terror, the 2008 Great Recession, and the time that George W. Bush nearly choked on a pretzel was all designed to bring about the world.
“Unfortunately the big red button wasn’t close enough for President Bush to hit while he was flailing around choking,” said Harkins, who is also known as“The Dark One” in the cult. “And Plan B was foiled when the Secret Service saved him. We were all certain Dick Cheney would have accomplished the goal of world wide Armageddon with efficiency and all speed.”
After the election of Obama, Harkins admits, the cult was at its lowest ebb. “All the ‘Hope’ and ‘Change’, we were certain, as well as his push for renewable energy, restricting gun ownership, and this thing called ‘compromise’ would destroy the Republican Party, and end our goals to end the world.”
But when Obamacare was announced, the GOP felt rejuvenated.
“We had a goal: prevent healthcare for all Americans, so that when the genetically altered plague does hit, we would all die anyway.”
The election of Donald Trump as President, and all the fabrications of Russia hacking the election, Trump’s outlandish statements, selecting people unqualified for cabinet posts, and the rigging of the election to prevent Hillary from winning, was all part of the Cult’s plan to bring upon the end of world as mentioned in their unholy, cursed book that will drive normal men mad.
“Very soon, the world will end in fire and brimstone,” Harkins said, while other cult members began to chant a mysterious, dark ritual in a language that no human was ever meant to speak. “And there will be no more taxes, no more socialist’s, no more anything!”
Harkins ended the interview to prepare the Kool-Aid for the cult members as they prepared to summon a planet devouring beast from the deepest reaches of space.
Friday, March 17, 2017
Flag Friday: The Many Unofficial and Proposed Flags of Canada
I'm not always about Alternate History, as many should know by know. Real historical things, places and events can be just as interesting as timelines we make up, and often is a great leaping off point for AltHistorians. Often, proposals and "unofficial" things can be made official, and tell a brand new story.
Case in point: Canadian flags. Before the Maple Leaf flag was declared official, Canada used a series of unofficial flags, some more unofficial than others, and almost all of them were modified Red Ensigns, to proudly proclaim that Canada was still a loyal member of the British Empire.
That said, here are a few of the unofficial designs for flags that were flown (or almost suggested) at one time or another.
This was the first official unofficial flag was simply the British Red Ensign (used by the British Merchant Marine) "defaced" with a shield composed of the Coat of Arms of the four original provinces. From top left clockwise: Ontario, Quebec, New Brunswick and Nova Scotia.
But as the years went on and more provinces joined Confederation, the number of spots on the shield went up, starting with Manitoba in 1870, complete with the uber-Canadian maple leaf wreath and very British crown on top...
...to the addition of a white circle background that nearly took up the entire flag in the 1880s after BC and PEI joined... (this design was dated to 1891 when BC adopted its current coat of arms)
...until 1905, when Alberta and Saskatchewan entered, and got rid of the white disk, the maple leaf wreath and the crown. And, frankly, it's a mess. Imagine getting school aged kids to draw this in a bought of patriotic furvor!
But finally, in 1921, the Canadian government, unofficially, adopted this version. This version pays homage to the four "founding" nations of Canada: England, Scotland, France and Ireland. And, being the time frame, it also left out the First Nations people. That would never fly today, but this is the version that flew the longest, from 1921 to 1965, with a slight change in the 50s to make the maple leafs at the bottom red instead of green.
Personally, I have a soft spot for the Red Ensign, and not just because maybe secretly I wish to see the British Empire rise and rule the world again. But, rather, I see it from a historical point of view: this flag, variations notwithstanding, the one that Canadian soldiers fought World War One and Two under. There are issues with it, namely in that it prioritizes four European nations (and, in fact, with the Union Jack it represents England, Scotland and Ireland twice) as the "founders" of Canada. A modern version would have to find something else. My personal vote would have been a Red Ensign with a maple leaf of some kind, like this:
And finally, two other proposals:
The "Pearson Pennant" proposed by Prime Minister Lester B. Pearson in 1964 to encapsulate the motto "From Sea to Sea" (and worthy of any alternate Canadian flag, I say)
And the "Unity Flag" first made in 1995 during the second Quebec Referendum, with the Blue representing the proportion of Quebecers in Canada. Though, I honestly would feel a bit insulted if all I got was a couple narrow blue bars but, hey, Quebec remained in Canada then (by a squeaker), so maybe it worked.
I plan to do Flag Friday's more often, and maybe with some flags designed for Alternate History scenarios. So if you have a flag you want to suggest, message me on Twitter (@tbguy1992) or email me at tbguy1992@gmail.com.
This was the first official unofficial flag was simply the British Red Ensign (used by the British Merchant Marine) "defaced" with a shield composed of the Coat of Arms of the four original provinces. From top left clockwise: Ontario, Quebec, New Brunswick and Nova Scotia.
But as the years went on and more provinces joined Confederation, the number of spots on the shield went up, starting with Manitoba in 1870, complete with the uber-Canadian maple leaf wreath and very British crown on top...
...to the addition of a white circle background that nearly took up the entire flag in the 1880s after BC and PEI joined... (this design was dated to 1891 when BC adopted its current coat of arms)
...until 1905, when Alberta and Saskatchewan entered, and got rid of the white disk, the maple leaf wreath and the crown. And, frankly, it's a mess. Imagine getting school aged kids to draw this in a bought of patriotic furvor!
But finally, in 1921, the Canadian government, unofficially, adopted this version. This version pays homage to the four "founding" nations of Canada: England, Scotland, France and Ireland. And, being the time frame, it also left out the First Nations people. That would never fly today, but this is the version that flew the longest, from 1921 to 1965, with a slight change in the 50s to make the maple leafs at the bottom red instead of green.
Personally, I have a soft spot for the Red Ensign, and not just because maybe secretly I wish to see the British Empire rise and rule the world again. But, rather, I see it from a historical point of view: this flag, variations notwithstanding, the one that Canadian soldiers fought World War One and Two under. There are issues with it, namely in that it prioritizes four European nations (and, in fact, with the Union Jack it represents England, Scotland and Ireland twice) as the "founders" of Canada. A modern version would have to find something else. My personal vote would have been a Red Ensign with a maple leaf of some kind, like this:
And finally, two other proposals:
The "Pearson Pennant" proposed by Prime Minister Lester B. Pearson in 1964 to encapsulate the motto "From Sea to Sea" (and worthy of any alternate Canadian flag, I say)
And the "Unity Flag" first made in 1995 during the second Quebec Referendum, with the Blue representing the proportion of Quebecers in Canada. Though, I honestly would feel a bit insulted if all I got was a couple narrow blue bars but, hey, Quebec remained in Canada then (by a squeaker), so maybe it worked.
I plan to do Flag Friday's more often, and maybe with some flags designed for Alternate History scenarios. So if you have a flag you want to suggest, message me on Twitter (@tbguy1992) or email me at tbguy1992@gmail.com.
Thursday, March 16, 2017
Multiversal News: Liberal Backbenchers Vote Against PM, Cabinet to Turn Canada into a Hivemind
Liberal Backbenchers vote against PM, Cabinet to turn Canada into a Hivemind
OTTAWA - In a surprising show of independence, Liberal backbench MPs voted in favor of a private member’s bill to turn all Canadians into a gigantic hivemind, despite the opposition from Prime Minister Trudeau and his cabinet. Bill S-190, proposed by New Democrat NDP Joshua Halford, MP for BC’s North Okanagan—East Kootenay riding, would mandate that all Canadian citizens would receive microchips implanted into their brains to allow all Canadians instant communication with each other, computational knowledge to solve the nation’s issues, as well as access to everyone else’s memories, knowledge, and figuring out where the hell we left the keys for the van.
“Since this was an open vote, many Liberal backbenchers believed that S-190 would benefit all Canadians,” Mary Lemonut, Liberal MP for Toronto-Yorkdale, said. “While the PM made some convincing arguments, I think it would be really cool if all Canadians would think and speak as one.” As she spoke, other members of the Liberal Party also said the exact same words in a creepy monotone and with unblinking eyes to other reporters.
When the votes came down, 101 Liberal MPs voted in favor of the bill, as well as all 44 NDP members. Conservatives were split, with most of those that voted in favor of the bill running for the leadership of the party. Analysts believed this was in order for some of the 14 candidates to be able to put their vision of the future of the Conservative Party to as many people as possible. As of press time, however, all Canadians have agreed to erase any existence Kellie Leitch from the hivemind after they found out that she was basically trying to be a Canadian Donald Trump.
“This bill will solve all known problems currently facing all 36 million Canadians,” Swanson said, moments before being the first to step into the doctor’s office to receive an implant into the glorious new cyber-future of Canada. “Racism, misogyny, poverty, lack of education, bilingualism, and deciding if Kevin O’Leary really should be the leader of the Conservative Party are just some of the issues we can solve by being all unified in thought, mind, and spirit.”
“I do believe that this bill is unconstitutional,” Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said outside the House of Commons after the vote. “It interferes with the provincial right to determine what dystopian future our nation should take, as well as grave concerns over privacy and electronic security. But I remain committed to holding open votes in the Liberal caucus, and will abide by the results.” He was then lead away to prepare for the procedure, which, the PM was assured, would maintain his impeccable hairdo.
“This is all a trick! This will destroy all human autonomy, and turn all Canadians into mindless drones to an unknown overlord! And add billions more to the deficit! We are all doomed!” Conservative MP Tony Clement for Parry Sound–Muskoka screamed at reporters as he was being dragged away by impossibly strong, nearly robotic, glassy-eyed RCMP officer’s already implanted into the hivemind. Compliance agents are currently tracking down former Prime Minister Stephen Harper with the aid of of all 1,392,609 people in Calgary, who is currently on the run but will be assimilated in 5.4 hours.
Quebec has already said they will implement their own, French only hivemind program separate from the federal program. Manitoba Premier Brian Pallister is resisting the inevitable and refuses to submit until a healthcare deal with his province has been reached with the Federal Government.
 |
| Members of the Liberal Party moments before they voted in favor to make all Canadians part of a collective Hivemind. |
OTTAWA - In a surprising show of independence, Liberal backbench MPs voted in favor of a private member’s bill to turn all Canadians into a gigantic hivemind, despite the opposition from Prime Minister Trudeau and his cabinet. Bill S-190, proposed by New Democrat NDP Joshua Halford, MP for BC’s North Okanagan—East Kootenay riding, would mandate that all Canadian citizens would receive microchips implanted into their brains to allow all Canadians instant communication with each other, computational knowledge to solve the nation’s issues, as well as access to everyone else’s memories, knowledge, and figuring out where the hell we left the keys for the van.
“Since this was an open vote, many Liberal backbenchers believed that S-190 would benefit all Canadians,” Mary Lemonut, Liberal MP for Toronto-Yorkdale, said. “While the PM made some convincing arguments, I think it would be really cool if all Canadians would think and speak as one.” As she spoke, other members of the Liberal Party also said the exact same words in a creepy monotone and with unblinking eyes to other reporters.
When the votes came down, 101 Liberal MPs voted in favor of the bill, as well as all 44 NDP members. Conservatives were split, with most of those that voted in favor of the bill running for the leadership of the party. Analysts believed this was in order for some of the 14 candidates to be able to put their vision of the future of the Conservative Party to as many people as possible. As of press time, however, all Canadians have agreed to erase any existence Kellie Leitch from the hivemind after they found out that she was basically trying to be a Canadian Donald Trump.
“This bill will solve all known problems currently facing all 36 million Canadians,” Swanson said, moments before being the first to step into the doctor’s office to receive an implant into the glorious new cyber-future of Canada. “Racism, misogyny, poverty, lack of education, bilingualism, and deciding if Kevin O’Leary really should be the leader of the Conservative Party are just some of the issues we can solve by being all unified in thought, mind, and spirit.”
“I do believe that this bill is unconstitutional,” Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said outside the House of Commons after the vote. “It interferes with the provincial right to determine what dystopian future our nation should take, as well as grave concerns over privacy and electronic security. But I remain committed to holding open votes in the Liberal caucus, and will abide by the results.” He was then lead away to prepare for the procedure, which, the PM was assured, would maintain his impeccable hairdo.
“This is all a trick! This will destroy all human autonomy, and turn all Canadians into mindless drones to an unknown overlord! And add billions more to the deficit! We are all doomed!” Conservative MP Tony Clement for Parry Sound–Muskoka screamed at reporters as he was being dragged away by impossibly strong, nearly robotic, glassy-eyed RCMP officer’s already implanted into the hivemind. Compliance agents are currently tracking down former Prime Minister Stephen Harper with the aid of of all 1,392,609 people in Calgary, who is currently on the run but will be assimilated in 5.4 hours.
Quebec has already said they will implement their own, French only hivemind program separate from the federal program. Manitoba Premier Brian Pallister is resisting the inevitable and refuses to submit until a healthcare deal with his province has been reached with the Federal Government.
Tuesday, March 14, 2017
Multiversal News: America left reeling after Trump doesn’t tweet for twenty hours
WASHINGTON: Politicians, stock markets, and people around the nation were in a directionless quandary after President Donald J. Trump didn’t tweet for up to twenty hours. The usually punctual early morning tirade against something that was revealed on Breitbart or by FOX News, as well as tweets during high level meetings and briefings, have been a daily ritual followed by everyone since Trump announced his candidacy. But today’s lack of a tweet has thrown the US into chaos.
The last Tweet posted by Trump was yet another attack on Obamacare at about 1 PM yesterday, but then his account went mysteriously silent.
“I don’t know what to do,” Trump supporter Nate Berdin, 54, from Montgomery, Alabama said, fumbling with his phone. “Without the President’s daily Twitter barrage, I don’t know what group I should be angry at: immigrants, Muslims, Muslim immigrants.” He went on to say that because of that, he ended up being polite and nice to everyone he met.
“It’s very surreal,” Nate said, after smiling and giving a polite nod at an African-American man and his Latino wife.
On the other end of the political spectrum, Democratic and liberal activists were also left in utter disarray when the President’s Twitter account didn’t add anything new in half a day.
“No executive order to try to get shot down, no unsubstantiated claims to disprove. Not even a famous celebrity to rally around as they face the wrath of a Twitter tweet storm,” said San Francisco resident Amanda O’Toole, 26, a self-declared liberal activist wearing a “Not My President” t-shirt. “While Sean Spicer, Kellyanne Conway and every Republican member of Congress can, and still, make stupid, insulting, racist, discriminatory, and untruthful statements, it’s just not the same when it’s not Trump saying it."
Stock Markets around the world have been in wild swings today. When Trump’s twitter account revealed that he liked a picture of a kitten in the late morning, the NYSE went up, the NASDAQ plummeted, and the price of gold swung back and forth for fifteen minutes until it was discovered that the like had been removed.
But at 9:25 AM, after a long day without a tweet, activity on Trump’s account returned when he revealed he lost his phone.
Editorial: Some Onion-like Changes in Store,
As you may have noticed, I've started to slow down in posting Alternate History scenarios, or, really, much of anything. Part of it is that I've already covered quite a few scenarios, mostly those that I already had some prior knowledge on without trying to do certain areas to death (World War 2, anyone?) So, while I'm still fascinated with Alternate History, those posts will be a lot slower in coming.
However, that doesn't mean I want to stop writing. In fact, on top of my job with a small town newspaper, and editing and publishing my big Fallout fanfic on Fanfiction.net, I've been starting to do something new for a lark: fake news, in the style of The Onion and The Beaverton.
So you may be asking yourself: Why? And my answer: Why not?
Frankly, reading the news is almost a strange combination of confusion, incredulity, depression and the deepest, blackest humour that you can't figure out if you want to laugh or cry. Sometimes, even the most dystopic and downbeat Alternate History or fictional scenario feels better than what is going on in the world.
So, I asked myself, why not take the news, and make it even more absurd?
And that is what I'm going to do with a new thing called "Multiversal News." It may not be totally original, or even that funny, but I'm going to run with it for no other reason than I want to. I will be delving into politics here, but I'm not doing it for a political purpose. I'm just trying to find the silly, the crazy, and the stupid in real news, and make them even crazier here.
So I hope you enjoy this new little change. The first post will be up in a couple of days! And if you have any comments, suggestions, or ideas, please message me on twitter (@tbguy1992) or through email, tbguy1992@gmail.com
However, that doesn't mean I want to stop writing. In fact, on top of my job with a small town newspaper, and editing and publishing my big Fallout fanfic on Fanfiction.net, I've been starting to do something new for a lark: fake news, in the style of The Onion and The Beaverton.
 |
| I'd like to see Trump dispute this. |
So you may be asking yourself: Why? And my answer: Why not?
Frankly, reading the news is almost a strange combination of confusion, incredulity, depression and the deepest, blackest humour that you can't figure out if you want to laugh or cry. Sometimes, even the most dystopic and downbeat Alternate History or fictional scenario feels better than what is going on in the world.
So, I asked myself, why not take the news, and make it even more absurd?
And that is what I'm going to do with a new thing called "Multiversal News." It may not be totally original, or even that funny, but I'm going to run with it for no other reason than I want to. I will be delving into politics here, but I'm not doing it for a political purpose. I'm just trying to find the silly, the crazy, and the stupid in real news, and make them even crazier here.
So I hope you enjoy this new little change. The first post will be up in a couple of days! And if you have any comments, suggestions, or ideas, please message me on twitter (@tbguy1992) or through email, tbguy1992@gmail.com
Monday, March 6, 2017
Map Monday: Acts of Union
So, let's try something new.
Alternate History Weekly Update, a former blog run by Matt "Mitro" Mitrovich, used to run a couple weekly segments called "Map Monday" and "Flag Friday," as does other Alternate History groups and blogs online. That said, I feel like joining in, and promoting timelines from the Alternate History world.
After a crisis in Venezuela turns into a shooting match between the British and American fleets in 1902, with the US Navy emerging victorious, the British Empire begins to reform, turning into a more de-centralized, federal state. By the current day, the world is divided into major factions: The Western Defense Pact (the US, Brazil, and Mexico); the European Commonwealth, composed of the the United Commonwealth (the British Empire) and the French Union; the Moscow Pact with the USSR, Great Bulgaria, People's Republic of China and Siam; the Great East Asian Union with the Japanese Empire, Indonesia and Vietnam.
The map is very interesting, though I would need to go over the timeline a few times more myself before I can determine if it's plausible or not. Having so many "space filling empires" slightly different shades of colours does make it seem rather suspect, but it's interesting and worth a look!
If you have a map, flag or timeline would you would like me to showcase, leave a comment, send a message to my Twitter (@tbguy1992) or to my email (tbguy1992@gmail.com) and I'll take a look!
The map is very interesting, though I would need to go over the timeline a few times more myself before I can determine if it's plausible or not. Having so many "space filling empires" slightly different shades of colours does make it seem rather suspect, but it's interesting and worth a look!
If you have a map, flag or timeline would you would like me to showcase, leave a comment, send a message to my Twitter (@tbguy1992) or to my email (tbguy1992@gmail.com) and I'll take a look!
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